kill.me

the ego betrayed the self. a dare may cost me more than I was worth. why? intersections continue to suprise me, for better or for worse; i can not say. i need to mark this date. for something has changed, hopes may not last, but they exist and this day also includes the extent of my stupity, my worthlessness, the continuous failure of my persona. The animus and anima collide. maybe. maybe just a classic 'clash of egos'.

today i am not desperate, frustrated. I am afraid.

. fear .

i can only hope that the collective aids me. that a god exists. that i am truly wanting a future. this is my complex today. one that never visited the trash bin. most of what is written here does not make sense in its entirety. but meanings flow through the phrases. this is the puzzle. i leave for me.

save me

The Wisdom of Crowds [draft]

The Wisdom of Crowds: Why the Many Are Smarter Than the Few and How Collective Wisdom Shapes Business, Economies, Societies and Nations) is a book written by James Surowiecki

Reflections

Since long the indian public is blamed for the 'vulgarity in movies', for the 'slow growth of the nation', 'the politics of our country'. It is the masses i is said who have (in india) a low IQ, a liking for mithun movies, for electing anybody who can tell more lies as their leader. I've always wondered about the why's of these statement and was for such questions i came accross this article on wikipedia.

The text talks of extent of crowding in popular resturants as an example which shows coordination of behaviour by crowds is indeed better. But i always see a lot of people waiting in front of McDonalds, long lines in front of the fav South Indian Eatery. So is our collective faulty (and the foriegn public badiya

crumbs

a call. wanted. finally reached into my universe. fcked it up. myself. mindless blabber. emancipated thoughts. mediocrity. but then the intersection did occour. i hope for help. from the forces that be. maybe life will be. Again.

i've been leaving a trail through these drops of text that make little sense, and serve no purpose whatsoever. but there is expectation. maybe i will understand, maybe i will reach these times, will not loose my crumbs as little hansel and greetel did. But questions remain. what is it, if only very insignificant and just that one, that i can be proud of. that one trait which people could not hate me for. i search for it. but no answers arrive.

In.Fear

The empty room stretched out to infinity as he shrunk into the nothingness of a dark corner, losing his ego and forsaking repect for the self he reached out hoping to grab onto a familiar stone, his shrieks sank into silence; he longed to flow, but none came, he lept into the past to dig up some light but none was to be found. In his pedestrian words he hoped for freedom of the past. the the sound the veil to keep from the world, he had grown beyond it, but not to cope.

lay.out

The objective is to get down questions that plaque my mind. Clearly, for once not in an obscure format, something that helps me get answers.

I can never get out of my mind what I have missed, or rather ignored. I have read no poetry, never looked at art, read good books. And here when people talk about the same I am lost, I have tried everything; pretending I am familiar with the topics, asking stupid questions bluntly, but most of all I'm trying to catch up. But as i delve
into something the content grows, to enormous proportions. And also most of the material I can not comprehend or appreciate, i want to, but have no idea how. I've tried to catch up on so much, i've no idea about any of the topics pursued. I have read books, have been around on the internet, seen movies, and can cite vaguely from most of them, but still have no understanding, no reasons, no responses to the how's and why's.

What is the solution. Do I shut out some areas, and be as ignorant to them as i was earlier and try to focus on something specific. I've tried this but failed. I get drawn to what i want to be ignorant of. Is there still hope. And there is always the fact that I am ignoring the so-called duties as an engineering student.

Stoned Racounteur: Rohit Anand a reminder

Stoned Racounteur

explanations

I can not get things straight, what am i waiting for, failures in life, the big shock that changes you for good. Or will i always remain this ignorant, un-unterested and even more uninteresting prick, crying always about himself. I'm stuck in these words these thoughts and though i know what shit i really am and what my real state in life is i try to pretend to be better, or worse present my grievences to others so as to force them to defy it, extract out of the others sympathy, 'Mohit you're not that stuoid', 'wait you can do something'. It's all trivial, even these seemingly great revelations about the self. people know this and get over it by 16, but i'm stuck. And to continue with my worthless life, i am lonely, said it, have been reading this statement so often lately i had to repeat it. well it seems to answer some questions, why when i know i have no mail, do i check it every 20 min, why i join obscure forums to speack about things that do not matter, why even after being denied entry to evey pub-disco I've tried to enter i want to try some more. why i write this stuff on the internet hoping someone woiuld find it. why i gently let the site address slip by keeping the page open or telling somebody around that this is the blog of a friend of a friend. Why even after being clearly told that i write misrebaly and consider trivial stuff to be outworldy and greatly pholosophical i am continuing. why i spill little details of my life to people who don;t care, worse, do not want to hear. Infinite conversations that i practice, go over with all possibilities in my mind to get myself accross, to get some direction, to find purpose, to cover the distance between me and my life, remain, never translate into spoken word.