Religion has been the primary keeper of time, creating space and purpose for a people to identify with their past. Since the beginning of time. It is only through awareness of a past that we create an identity, projecting ourselves deeper into the gradual rhythms of culture and nature. Fashion and technology change rapidly pressing forward in time, with religion, culture, and nature hold on longer, gradually transforming in time. In Greek mythology Kairos and Chronos represent a similar struggle; Kairos representing a passing instant, a narrow present and Chronos is considered a personification of time itself, emerging from the primordial chaos. Religion as Chronos looks back discarding the sometimes unrestrained venturing of change providing for balance and continuity. But future as a place is stifled in religious contexts by references to eternity, which extends beyond reality freeing us of long term responsibility and thought.

In the realm of technology and science, it is the ego of man which forces him to create future as a reality, a space. Our doings and creations fill the dreams we have of the future. It is control and much later the automation and mechanization in society which have inspired much of the future we create for ourselves. But it is ironic that as our grasp on time beyond the now increased we lost hope in the existence of it. The present at the turn of the 20th century did not allow for faith in life of the 21st. Assembly lines marginalized the existence of an individual, and furthered the divide between the various sections of society. Along with the fears of growing mechanization mass production of goods created standard and equalizations which would result in the concept of avant-grade as a mechanism of differentiation.

Also the world was meeting itself, and the past of a lot of communities was lost or forgotten in the creation of a new global village. The identity of many was fuzzed and in the explosive growth that followed the two great wars Time was lost. Rapid change, global connectivity and the rise of mass media increased our immersion in the now and brought the future closer, squeezing the present into the immediate.

In this glamorous genesis of the now, the need for expressing a self grew. People, communities, societies, religions searched to define themselves in the global image. Mass media created an envelope of imagery around the real; it disembodied the users and turned them into software. The wide popularity of reality shows and increased voyeurism is a reminder that the world now seeks its reality and identity in the various forms of media that clothe it.

The internet is realization of a metaphor that had been growing since the beginnings of broadcast technology; a network of people, ideas and societies so complete that it can exist independent of the physical universe. The internet has grown to have its own communities and societies independent of actual locations – global ‘localities’; it presents new electronic frontiers that we explore for existence and identity.

it is why they kill. to know if they are real

filth with the docks

Sittin' in the mornin' sun
I'll be sittin' when the evenin' come
Watching the ships roll in
And then I watch 'em roll away again, yeah

I left my home
Headed for the new sign
'Cause I've had nothing to live for
And look like nothin's gonna come my way

So I'm just gonna sit here listening sounds
Watching all the people stroll away
I'm sittin'
Just sittin' wastin' time

Look like nothing's gonna change
Everything still remains the same
I can't do what ten people tell me to do
So I guess I'll remain the same, yes

Sittin' here resting my bones
And this loneliness won't leave me alone
It's two thousand miles I roamed
Just to make this strange land my home

Now, I'm just gonna sit here all alone
Watching them roll away
sittin' learning no things new
waiting until everything ends
wasting time

i just dont think

this is the closest i get to doing a blog entry as was originally meant to be. or what i think it was meant to be.

Today, as I opened up this application on this computer after for i can say 'my entire life', i realised how narrow a time i had forced myself in. 8 months. the day i was born obscure. everything else a blur, a dream that i can call a nightmare, but i enjoyed many parts of it. Did i learn. Forget. learn to forget.

things have but changed, and not for the better, hopes, those little things that sent my heart racing. forgotten. replaced all by a pursuit of some strange outline i never recognised. i shifted into different music. songs that remained changed their meanings. subjects i cared about, people i knew, turned strangers. and i never even doubted this. my life. never with more than 8 months of history.

i move around trying to grip onto the past now, recollecting old images, History folders, playlists to grab on to my life. somehow connect to the 20 years i lived. made friends. formed opinions, morals. all lost.

living without a past, is trying to search for a non-existent core. instead i just leaped onto hopes, doings, thoughts, of others (or what i constructed of them). well they never felt my tugs and gasps for life. i still wonder. it was this easy to dissolve 20 years of a life.

it is not that a good thing has been lost. there was nothing i truly loved in it. but all there is now is a hollow. absence of the past obscures the future, puts in question even the existence of it.

how do i connect this dangling life i have now to the one i have lost. should i. i believe i need my past. because the 'completeness of my current' is just imagination. lie. how brilliantly did i con myself. silently extending a moment into eternity, absorbing huge amounts of somethings to create a mirage in time; a mirror as my past.

i had wondered where time had suddenly started slipping away and long tiring waits had become 'just a while'. i still can not explain. but somehing grew in those lost hours. a present me, whom i can not understand. who gives in to easy. has no expectations from life. looks always for sympathy and support. and emotional blabber. or obscurity to feul itself. i search in the words around these and the ones beyond them, looking for my past, but the 'current' clearly overshadows the me.

work, or the absence of it. inability to compelte work. work not done. work pending.
it was the centre of my life. or so i used to belive. or so i wanted to say to my future (now the current) self. but i complely disconnected from it. i've been to places in my tiny 8 month life. seen around; all the while a strange fog disturbing me. i just thought i needed new glasses (read ways of looking, substances).

i apologise to those who suffered because of my 'disconnect'. and the lies to mom when she what my eyes were searching for. i never knew the answer, still dont. but i hope i will find my life. and let go of that obscure day this tiny-time me was born.