i just dont think
this is the closest i get to doing a blog entry as was originally meant to be. or what i think it was meant to be.
Today, as I opened up this application on this computer after for i can say 'my entire life', i realised how narrow a time i had forced myself in. 8 months. the day i was born obscure. everything else a blur, a dream that i can call a nightmare, but i enjoyed many parts of it. Did i learn. Forget. learn to forget.
things have but changed, and not for the better, hopes, those little things that sent my heart racing. forgotten. replaced all by a pursuit of some strange outline i never recognised. i shifted into different music. songs that remained changed their meanings. subjects i cared about, people i knew, turned strangers. and i never even doubted this. my life. never with more than 8 months of history.
i move around trying to grip onto the past now, recollecting old images, History folders, playlists to grab on to my life. somehow connect to the 20 years i lived. made friends. formed opinions, morals. all lost.
living without a past, is trying to search for a non-existent core. instead i just leaped onto hopes, doings, thoughts, of others (or what i constructed of them). well they never felt my tugs and gasps for life. i still wonder. it was this easy to dissolve 20 years of a life.
it is not that a good thing has been lost. there was nothing i truly loved in it. but all there is now is a hollow. absence of the past obscures the future, puts in question even the existence of it.
how do i connect this dangling life i have now to the one i have lost. should i. i believe i need my past. because the 'completeness of my current' is just imagination. lie. how brilliantly did i con myself. silently extending a moment into eternity, absorbing huge amounts of somethings to create a mirage in time; a mirror as my past.
i had wondered where time had suddenly started slipping away and long tiring waits had become 'just a while'. i still can not explain. but somehing grew in those lost hours. a present me, whom i can not understand. who gives in to easy. has no expectations from life. looks always for sympathy and support. and emotional blabber. or obscurity to feul itself. i search in the words around these and the ones beyond them, looking for my past, but the 'current' clearly overshadows the me.
work, or the absence of it. inability to compelte work. work not done. work pending.
it was the centre of my life. or so i used to belive. or so i wanted to say to my future (now the current) self. but i complely disconnected from it. i've been to places in my tiny 8 month life. seen around; all the while a strange fog disturbing me. i just thought i needed new glasses (read ways of looking, substances).
i apologise to those who suffered because of my 'disconnect'. and the lies to mom when she what my eyes were searching for. i never knew the answer, still dont. but i hope i will find my life. and let go of that obscure day this tiny-time me was born.
Today, as I opened up this application on this computer after for i can say 'my entire life', i realised how narrow a time i had forced myself in. 8 months. the day i was born obscure. everything else a blur, a dream that i can call a nightmare, but i enjoyed many parts of it. Did i learn. Forget. learn to forget.
things have but changed, and not for the better, hopes, those little things that sent my heart racing. forgotten. replaced all by a pursuit of some strange outline i never recognised. i shifted into different music. songs that remained changed their meanings. subjects i cared about, people i knew, turned strangers. and i never even doubted this. my life. never with more than 8 months of history.
i move around trying to grip onto the past now, recollecting old images, History folders, playlists to grab on to my life. somehow connect to the 20 years i lived. made friends. formed opinions, morals. all lost.
living without a past, is trying to search for a non-existent core. instead i just leaped onto hopes, doings, thoughts, of others (or what i constructed of them). well they never felt my tugs and gasps for life. i still wonder. it was this easy to dissolve 20 years of a life.
it is not that a good thing has been lost. there was nothing i truly loved in it. but all there is now is a hollow. absence of the past obscures the future, puts in question even the existence of it.
how do i connect this dangling life i have now to the one i have lost. should i. i believe i need my past. because the 'completeness of my current' is just imagination. lie. how brilliantly did i con myself. silently extending a moment into eternity, absorbing huge amounts of somethings to create a mirage in time; a mirror as my past.
i had wondered where time had suddenly started slipping away and long tiring waits had become 'just a while'. i still can not explain. but somehing grew in those lost hours. a present me, whom i can not understand. who gives in to easy. has no expectations from life. looks always for sympathy and support. and emotional blabber. or obscurity to feul itself. i search in the words around these and the ones beyond them, looking for my past, but the 'current' clearly overshadows the me.
work, or the absence of it. inability to compelte work. work not done. work pending.
it was the centre of my life. or so i used to belive. or so i wanted to say to my future (now the current) self. but i complely disconnected from it. i've been to places in my tiny 8 month life. seen around; all the while a strange fog disturbing me. i just thought i needed new glasses (read ways of looking, substances).
i apologise to those who suffered because of my 'disconnect'. and the lies to mom when she what my eyes were searching for. i never knew the answer, still dont. but i hope i will find my life. and let go of that obscure day this tiny-time me was born.
posted by lev at 5:36 AM
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