mystery train
more apologies.
how i can not say why. it will be the end of me. already the substance of me alludes me, changed, something else has crept in, even my words dont feel the same. feminity, distance, alien_beings have left more than i ever thought possible. all the time they, being completely unware of their effect on me. this is what kills me more.
this unreal world of instant media that we have created, we never understood and we continue to dampen personal connections for banal, artificial, leaking mediums for transit, and what's infinitely worse storage of messages.
we need the existence, rather the persistence of the others to realize, to jusitify even our own feelings. teenagers now need a linkin park to come to terms with their own angst. we have slowly dissolved from our physical realities into this collective constructive fantasy where glamour and glory await us all, until eternity, where consumption leads us to an eternally fleeing goal of perpetual happiness.
these thoughts, rather snippets arise from my fear and uselessness, are they something more than some comical representation of the plethora of text and images that i feed into me. not understanding, not lookign at the whole. even language slips by my side as i try to make sense of the world. if only i could live in emptiness and survive, if only the supreme will to life, left me, i would be content. or should i end. i have lost track of what i was here to say, but hope the meaning survives, trapped somewhere between these worthless words and constructs.
i should be working. it is supposed to be important. my future depends on it. i understand no need to have a future. would it even be me.
how i can see the cards unfolding but still can not extract concrete reasons / intentions. i've been searching for myself in the other but have found nothing, i do not exist. will i, should i. wait. i am by no measure, honest, proper, moral. but still fall into the traps set by my infantile conditioning to fail to take advantage, to cheat at times most important. maybe its ust the fear of failing even after cheating. i always keep for me an excuse.
how i can not say why. it will be the end of me. already the substance of me alludes me, changed, something else has crept in, even my words dont feel the same. feminity, distance, alien_beings have left more than i ever thought possible. all the time they, being completely unware of their effect on me. this is what kills me more.
this unreal world of instant media that we have created, we never understood and we continue to dampen personal connections for banal, artificial, leaking mediums for transit, and what's infinitely worse storage of messages.
we need the existence, rather the persistence of the others to realize, to jusitify even our own feelings. teenagers now need a linkin park to come to terms with their own angst. we have slowly dissolved from our physical realities into this collective constructive fantasy where glamour and glory await us all, until eternity, where consumption leads us to an eternally fleeing goal of perpetual happiness.
these thoughts, rather snippets arise from my fear and uselessness, are they something more than some comical representation of the plethora of text and images that i feed into me. not understanding, not lookign at the whole. even language slips by my side as i try to make sense of the world. if only i could live in emptiness and survive, if only the supreme will to life, left me, i would be content. or should i end. i have lost track of what i was here to say, but hope the meaning survives, trapped somewhere between these worthless words and constructs.
i should be working. it is supposed to be important. my future depends on it. i understand no need to have a future. would it even be me.
how i can see the cards unfolding but still can not extract concrete reasons / intentions. i've been searching for myself in the other but have found nothing, i do not exist. will i, should i. wait. i am by no measure, honest, proper, moral. but still fall into the traps set by my infantile conditioning to fail to take advantage, to cheat at times most important. maybe its ust the fear of failing even after cheating. i always keep for me an excuse.
posted by lev at 9:09 AM
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