I need Love

Written 4-5 yrs ago
Draft of 19th Aug. 2004


Prateek moved around, lost touching each little plant as if trying to find a friend amongst the hundreds of saplings that surrounded him. The air felt lull and dry around him and he hoped to get out fast, if only he could decide on which one sapling would be the best for his school project.

Holding gently the little plant in his hand Prateek continuously asked questions about how he was to ensure a healthy papaya tree. Prateek had taken up the responsibility of planting and supporting the growth of a tree on behalf of his class in support of the ‘Plant a Tree’ drive in his District.

In midst of the ephemera of his life Prateek found great pleasure in taking note of the progress of the sapling in his backyard which had since 3 years grown into a big plant. He had taken great care of the tree and had always been proud that his tree seemed extremely healthy.

It was long before Prateek had finished his schooling and left his hometown to join a prestigious institute. In his growing up, Prateek had always actively supported environmental causes, especially Vegetarianism. He continued the same and played an important role in the Environmental club of his college, standing strong against animal slaughter.

As he returned home after almost a year at college, he laid his eyes at his tree and waited there staring the lost beauty of the organism he had so dearly loved. As he walked inside greeting his parents his mind wandered accusing various persons for the poor care of his papaya tree. Relaxing in front of the television, Prateek reasoned what was it that a grown up tree would require; proper care was anyway taken by the gardener; switching through various channels he paused listening to a speech for vegetarianism.

Prateek lost himself in the words, it seemed to him he was making up his words, he wasn’t sure, he did not want to be

I am sure they feel hurt; we humans have never respected or considered interests of other living organisms on earth. They would if they could, sure say ‘You’ve taken away all freedom from us, trapped us, made our lives nothing but to serve your petty reasons. Of what little liberty was given to us by god, you’ve snatched away. Think of us in our natural habitat: free, not grown only for being consumed, having dignity of life and death in Mother Nature’s hand.’ As our population grows we have lost track of how many killings we make just for filling up our endless hunger.

Shook in the very depths of his perception he realized a very obvious truth that had evaded the common minds of us all. He rushed in the backyard and reached out for The Tree hugging it. Tears rolled down his eyes as a whole new world opened up before him.

Archives.Ppl

consider this

thoughts.

fight club. medula oblongata

try to pull my head apart. forget the shit.

rain. office. work. alone.

HATE YOU. because you understand the world more than I do. A level of thinking i can not comprehend. My revelations, my highs are your mediocrity, your common sense. WHY.

To UNDERSTAND. Only this I ask.

A friend. Some sense in Me.

Events pass by. Teach nothing. Stuck in my own little world. Try to get to others. NEVER.

Adaptation. originality. A purpose. Direction. Ability. Talent. Skill. NONE.

EMPTY.

SHARE. HELP ME. it come back again. this is not the way.

Will Steal. No one wills their life. to end it all. until it comes crashing down. will steal again. stalk. life. essence of it. thoughts. communication. experience. i will take. Snatch. Steal. in MY archives. Your life.

break mediocrity. incessant rant. And. only Hope.

Let me kill you. Satisfy. My Hunger. Rule in emptiness

everyThing

i have everything

that's the fcking problem, i have what you've always wanted, the megapixel camera you always looked at, its in my pocket. The sexy apple machine that could have raised your productivity and social status to god-like, i've been using it for years, Z series ibanez, the 7 string kramer, they lie in the attic. And the cash, i've got loads of that too. This is my fcking problem. I'm not bald. blood pressure, haemoglobin count, penis size, hormones, all normal. All limbs functional, no slur in speech, learnt to talk, walk at a normal age, I'm no retard. No, i was not sexually molested at a young age, my parents are normal, no bully ever tormented me, not even a recurring bad dream.

It's a carefully controlled experiment, how miserable can a person with everything be. I'm fate's guinea pig. What can you do to fail when everything is going your way.

everything in my life is perfect, except me, whatever it is, maybe that's what all this is about, to find the 'I', 'Me' in this world. i'll wait my whole life, i'd rather die, but my mind is held in fear.

completion

This is the end. Completion. I have nothing but, to say. A few words from others, and things i'd like to say to them.

. Some strange experiences with people. Another pack of worthless information fed into me, maybe a friend. maybe.

I DO NOT TRY. I do not CREATE. for the fear of Failure and my own mediocrity. I say, i never DO.

Take up something. Complete it alone. Be the KING. Be Responsible. Be the designer, the creator, the developer. An maybe you will find the first credit to yourself.

I have nothing to my CREDIT. Not a single THING,

Think of one thing why someone would like me, would be a friend. There are NONE. So unless you are stuck with me you'll better stay away.

I am Boring, to the limits o the word, for everyone.

actAfool

The great mistake on the day that never ended. [June 17 ]Case of the dissapearing acquaintance

Start typing.

We are useless.

Die today, then live life.

Or choose life, look ahead, wait for the day you die

put this day in life, your identity is a failure, hide and you can save yourself from disgrace, if no one knows you they can not condemn you. Act a fool, save yourself, if you don't, he great mistake is today, you need to put your foot forward, show yourself, but, you get assaulted, life is to live it alone, ask for help and be laughed upon, or lie low and escape the flow.

Pretend to care but never show, if you do, its always you, who brings the trouble who does not care, don;t make friends and live without fear, if you read this, purpose is lost, but you will, as my ego steers.

understand mediocrity, be a part, or try to rise and judge your craft.

theEndOfMindShit

I found fools I never expected. Worthless trash was read. But I did not end my fall. shit is too good a word for my state of mind. As a friend of mine explained. Try this. Take a black plastic bag, put it over your head. Close its end by a string over around your neck. Welcome to the state of my MIND. Further from that try this. imagine the greatest geek you've seen, the most dreary. Imagine him without his knowledge , information, dumb as a blonde. Thats me. REmove all original thoughts, dreams feelings from your mind. And you now feel like me, but not quite. Now imagine that you're given all opportunities and resources and support you ever wanted. then FAIL. Thats MY way. Imagine you can not dream.

I want to be interesting, mysterious, able to communicate, impress people. NOT be the DorK. not always. I want someone to confide in me, to be a friend, for someone to decide to share experience with me. This is not about love or some shit like that incase you wonder, this is about getting out of this place. MY MIND to reach out into another, to dispense, and receive, not be the fcker who always the talking, in overdrive, fills the other with mediocrity of his thought. TO get help, to Grow, to understand. For someone not to stand at a a distance and laugh at my incompetence and lack of thought and depth, but to direct it, to help me expand my mind, I HATE YOU. for you understand the world MORE than I do.

lost in the rush, a mistake, a mention in the real world, a false hope for greatness, to mistake mediocrity as excellence, but it soon came back and this is the end of mind shit

he can flow into pain, and likes it, to feel sorry for himself, to justify the failure. BUT this day it ends. this is the end of mind shit,