explanations

I can not get things straight, what am i waiting for, failures in life, the big shock that changes you for good. Or will i always remain this ignorant, un-unterested and even more uninteresting prick, crying always about himself. I'm stuck in these words these thoughts and though i know what shit i really am and what my real state in life is i try to pretend to be better, or worse present my grievences to others so as to force them to defy it, extract out of the others sympathy, 'Mohit you're not that stuoid', 'wait you can do something'. It's all trivial, even these seemingly great revelations about the self. people know this and get over it by 16, but i'm stuck. And to continue with my worthless life, i am lonely, said it, have been reading this statement so often lately i had to repeat it. well it seems to answer some questions, why when i know i have no mail, do i check it every 20 min, why i join obscure forums to speack about things that do not matter, why even after being denied entry to evey pub-disco I've tried to enter i want to try some more. why i write this stuff on the internet hoping someone woiuld find it. why i gently let the site address slip by keeping the page open or telling somebody around that this is the blog of a friend of a friend. Why even after being clearly told that i write misrebaly and consider trivial stuff to be outworldy and greatly pholosophical i am continuing. why i spill little details of my life to people who don;t care, worse, do not want to hear. Infinite conversations that i practice, go over with all possibilities in my mind to get myself accross, to get some direction, to find purpose, to cover the distance between me and my life, remain, never translate into spoken word.