responses

should this continue. the very act of me doing this is the topic i want to visit. i consciously let my instincts lead the way to the new situation, how did the biology, evolution and social conditioning relate and react. But along the way i lost control, the experiment flowed into restricted space. I tried to find reasons, solutions, explanations for the way things had progressed, particularly my conversations, which had no veil, were completely transparent, the self exposed. but this was a general development that has been shaping my existence for three years now. New was the indulgence of the mind into a subject without ever letting go. It was the anima finding a projection, but did the particular case come up only because no other options had presented themselves, or it was the best amongst the options available. i can not be sure because the nature of an option is not clearly known to me. Maybe it was just an ancient archetypical response, but searching for answers in the resons of my ego gave some direction. To cope with unfulfilled needs the ego created various escape mechanisms and support systems to rely on, indulgence in other complexes to lighten the effect of the specific emptiness was followed by acceptance of a denial from the other, a permanent defeat. but the meeting with hope shattered the shield, and through the repeated questions the ego searched for an explanation for the new developments. It went far enough as to restore the old mechanisms by trying to extract a denial again. Schopenhaur mentions that desperation sinks in when a man looses all hope, i disagree, for desperation to exist hope must direct the way because a man with no hope can exist in his present peacefully. i repeatedly demand a complete acceptance (hope for the better) or a denial so as to return to the state of arrogance (hope for the past). Also since you always want what the greater has, what the stronger boy in school holds, the ego accepted the better side of the truth 'if its good enough for that it must be good enough for me'. but what i've missed for long are the methods the subconscious found, to pursue the subject [sic]. By archiving materials, through likes and interests, it formed a new indulgence into the subject [sic]. through music, through text, buy owning the things discussed i placed myself closer to the being. And the need to connect still exists, and feelings of rejection and despair plague the ego if it is not able to match up to the (made up) expectations of the complex that has grown through the collision of the anima and this situation. this has dramatically altered wants and desires causing incoherence of thought even in very basic goals.