standing there

I stand here trying to contemplate the past, things happened the way they did because I am in here trying to figure out why. I had always felt the need to move along the world into the future.

I have interests in Computer Networks, Artificial Life, and International Politics. Addicted to Heavy Metal Music I have grown on Metallica, Iron Maiden, and Black Sabbath for the past 3 years. Instrumentals such as Joe Satriani, Paco de Lucia, and Eric Johnson give me reasons to live and die. I shout a lot (cotton will be handy, if you meet me), but really don’t mean to hurt people much. I despise studying course related material. I really do not know myself much and rely heavily on friends and family for debugging required in life.

I have always searched for the substance of ‘me’ among the so-similar self organizing neural net based billions of humans.

In dreams I see myself taking an imperative stance directing the flow of life.

Apprehensive but glad to be here; I try to share, distance myself from the ‘self’ as I search for the reason for being me. Hoping to be understood, I let the insides flow out into words that seldom make sense to any but me. Trying to free myself from the crutches of an ambiguous helplessness I want to learn, to educate myself into being useful for at least one life.

Along with a friend I had looked at the stars, wondering if they really did exist. Questions followed, raising doubts; do we exist. It is a wonderful world of abstracts and thought-experiments that we flowed through gaining every moment an insight into lives we live as ignorant and lifeless concentrations of unpredictably defined energy.

It is a pity; I disappoint myself, yearning to get an overview of everything while not existing for a cause. I have felt the object turn to the existence of my ego, an intimacy for the world of me growing as if plaguing the neural nets of my mind into an eternal trap in the ‘I’.